Open Letter Concerning the Annual War on Christmas

Dear Fellow Jews and Allied Non-Christians (Atheists, Muslims, staff of MSNBC), I hope this missive finds you well. I know my usual yearly means of communication is Priest's blood on sheep's vellum but you'd be surprised how difficult that was to obtain this year, despite our nefarious organization's reach and power. Yes, you all no doubt know why I write. It's time again to take up arms in our most sacred mission, the War on Christmas. It's well into October so we have approximately two weeks before that radio station plays nothing but Christmas music and department store Santas get their suits out from under the pyramid of empty beer cans. Recall in years past we undertook such missions as ensuring major corporations spit in the eye of Jesus-fearing people everywhere by suggesting that "Happy Holidays" was a bit more inclusive than "Merry Christmas", and who can forget that perennial favorite, suggesting creches and other displays of Christmas be moved from public property or at the very least, a small nod to other holidays be permitted nearby. Alas, often we have been found out and thwarted by such fair-haired America-loving defenders of Christ such as Sean Hannity, Michelle Malkin and the mouth-breathers who inhabit National Review's subterranean lair. No matter how we try to operate in secret, they still feel a need to shine a dastardly light on our efforts, heroically attempting to remind America that it is indeed Chistmastime. As if anyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas could ever forget, ever.